Le Bon Con

On a fork in the cafeteria. So yeah, now my right front tooth has a tine shaped piece missing from it. 

I sit in a weathered wooden chair. Its ancient history flows through the wood grain in swirling strings of story. The legs beneath me curve ever so slightly, gracefully downward into the dusty sunlit floor. In the vacant room surrounding me, there is a heavy sense of calm. It is the sort of calm that envelops your very being, filling your lungs up with soft light and blanketing your mind with solid reassurance. Sunlight pours through the open windows, filling the space with golden warmth. 

I extended my hands forward and turned my palms up. My fingers were slightly curled, and their tips were rosy in contrast to the pallor the rest of my skin. Even as I offered my gesture, she placed her smaller hands on top of mine. Our skin brushed together in the way that we were both so used to. She clutched my hands and shivered, offering a small, sad smile. I gazed into her right eye, losing myself in the turquoise pools surrounding the inky depths of her pupil. I returned the melancholy smile. We were both getting cold, steam from our breath rising between us into the indigo vastness of the sky. 

I spoke first, my words jittery and halting as they tumbled over my chapped lips. “I need to spend some time on myself.” Alarms went off in my head, blaring and unforgiving. The shrieked of my inconsideration, my selfishness. They screamed at me Her mother was just murdered and she needs you! How could you possibly even consider spending time on yourself? You fucking asshole. You know how much this will hurt her.

Her response came quickly and defensively, “I know! I completely agree that you need time for yourself.” Her head rocked back and forth with her disbelief at my words, her mouth still hanging ajar.

“I need… you as a friend right now.” I said. The air had grown colder, but our hands were producing minute drops of sweat. We were both nervous. Her silence to this particular sentence was powerful. It rose up between us, and, even though we were only a couple feet apart, the icy silence sent me to the other end of the earth. There was a distance between us that seemed infinite and suffocating. Her hands disappeared from mine as she crossed her arms and hung her head. 

Moments later her body began shuddering, and a crystal teardrop fell with a silent splash onto the driveway. I cleared my throat and shifted my weight as my skin itched with the uncomfortable tension surrounding us. She sobbed silently, yet I made no attempt at physical contact, trying to preserve her dignity. We stood there for an eternity as the wild wind whisteled around us.

Eventually I drove away. I need clarity. I need a friend. I need to rediscover who I am. I need to do it alone. I need understanding. I need to reach into the depths of my being and find the clockwork and polish the gears. I need to move forward. 

I want to laugh with her again. I want to have snowball fights with her again. I want to run around in the rain again. I want to talk about coffee. I want to build a fire with her. I want to lay in the grass together. I want to climb trees together. I want to go and explore caves with her. I want to go and visit her mom’s grave with her. I want to sail together. I want to build a fort and play games together. I want to watch the snow fall together. I want to make lemonade together. I want to play laser tag together. I want to go swimming together. I want to go to Chicago with her. I want to go to St. John with her. I want our beautiful, unbreakable friendship to be repaired.  

Someday, maybe we can let our hearts touch again. 

His knuckles whitened underneath the rippling surface of his skin. Increasing his stony grip upon the metal controls, he jerked the stick back toward his ribs, fighting for stability. Yet even as he wrestled for control of the helicopter’s erratic dance through the atmosphere he felt his world tipping forward. The screaming torrent of air pushed him forward with alarming swiftness. Icy droplets of rain were hitting the windshield with a ferocity that blurred the world below into a confused existence of color. Dread seeped through his chest, spreading out like poison in his marrow. His heart fell into his stomach as the vehicle dropped below the clouds. 

With a scream and a hollow roar, the tail of the helicopter twisted and shriveled as it hit the top of a tree. The defeated pilot relinquished his grip from the controls and sat back in the ancient chair as the vehicle fell ever downwards. Impact with the frozen earth was defeaning. Shards of glass throttled into the cabin, cutting into flesh and upholstery. The steel wall to the right was bashed inward, wrinkled and creased. The cabin rolled over and over in a whirlwind of crushing steel and startling red. 

His shoulder shrieked in pain as it slit open, exposed to the fierce coldness of the air. Dark, cloudy spots rolled into the edges of his vision. His head throbbed. Closing his eyes, he sank into the snow and let the world disappear.