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I extended my hands forward and turned my palms up. My fingers were slightly curled, and their tips were rosy in contrast to the pallor the rest of my skin. Even as I offered my gesture, she placed her smaller hands on top of mine. Our skin brushed together in the way that we were both so used to. She clutched my hands and shivered, offering a small, sad smile. I gazed into her right eye, losing myself in the turquoise pools surrounding the inky depths of her pupil. I returned the melancholy smile. We were both getting cold, steam from our breath rising between us into the indigo vastness of the sky.
I spoke first, my words jittery and halting as they tumbled over my chapped lips. “I need to spend some time on myself.” Alarms went off in my head, blaring and unforgiving. The shrieked of my inconsideration, my selfishness. They screamed at me Her mother was just murdered and she needs you! How could you possibly even consider spending time on yourself? You fucking asshole. You know how much this will hurt her.
Her response came quickly and defensively, “I know! I completely agree that you need time for yourself.” Her head rocked back and forth with her disbelief at my words, her mouth still hanging ajar.
“I need… you as a friend right now.” I said. The air had grown colder, but our hands were producing minute drops of sweat. We were both nervous. Her silence to this particular sentence was powerful. It rose up between us, and, even though we were only a couple feet apart, the icy silence sent me to the other end of the earth. There was a distance between us that seemed infinite and suffocating. Her hands disappeared from mine as she crossed her arms and hung her head.
Moments later her body began shuddering, and a crystal teardrop fell with a silent splash onto the driveway. I cleared my throat and shifted my weight as my skin itched with the uncomfortable tension surrounding us. She sobbed silently, yet I made no attempt at physical contact, trying to preserve her dignity. We stood there for an eternity as the wild wind whisteled around us.
Eventually I drove away. I need clarity. I need a friend. I need to rediscover who I am. I need to do it alone. I need understanding. I need to reach into the depths of my being and find the clockwork and polish the gears. I need to move forward.
I want to laugh with her again. I want to have snowball fights with her again. I want to run around in the rain again. I want to talk about coffee. I want to build a fire with her. I want to lay in the grass together. I want to climb trees together. I want to go and explore caves with her. I want to go and visit her mom’s grave with her. I want to sail together. I want to build a fort and play games together. I want to watch the snow fall together. I want to make lemonade together. I want to play laser tag together. I want to go swimming together. I want to go to Chicago with her. I want to go to St. John with her. I want our beautiful, unbreakable friendship to be repaired.
Someday, maybe we can let our hearts touch again.
